Christmas is the most joyful time, right? It's something we constantly hear, and it's how most Christmas movies work: a lot of love, everyone smiling, and cheerful music in the background.
In real life, only a few families are perfect. Few families have a good Christmas, a good Hanukkah, or anything else. When it comes to the holiday season, the abusive, toxic family members only care about their image, their feelings, or the image they're trying to project.
The more dysfunctional your family is, the more pressure there is to pretend during the holidays. Because if you have a healthy family, you're doing life together: you stay connected all year, you talk, you meet. If not, you’ve got one window, maybe a few: Thanksgiving, birthdays, Christmas, that's all you've got. Your only window to connect and try to have something that looks like extended family or relationships.
The worst part is that the most messed up, screwed up, dysfunctional person in your family can take the lead at these events.
The craziest person nominates themselves to determine how your holidays go. The whole family works around them or accommodates them, because they’re 'family', and someone in your family might even justify their behavior with 'You know how your auntie Susan is, she’s just that way.'
The next thing you hear from them: 'So, when do you plan to get a real job? Do you plan to have kids? You need to lose some weight.' And just like that, the whole Christmas spirit is gone.
But it's not okay. Don't allow a toxic person to ruin your holiday (or life).
Here are a few tips on how to minimize the damage that can be done by these people.
1. Don’t take things personally
It's not you. Their toxic behaviors (or words) actually have nothing to do with you, in most cases it’s their way to deal with their own stress, or problems. It is not your job to eliminate it.
First of all you can’t always ignore the question. Not every question needs to be answered, or reacted to. You don’t need to engage in every potentially toxic interaction.
Prepare neutral responses for when you are faced with these situations. This might be a simple acknowledgment like "I see" or "That's an interesting point of view", or you can deflect it with “I don’t agree” without delving into a deeper conversation.
"So, when do you plan to get a real job?"
Tip: Don’t try to fight back with same negative energy.
"I appreciate your concern. How have things been with you?”2. You can control how you react
You can't make family members stop saying hurtful things or bringing up things that make you uncomfortable. But what you can do is choose how you respond.
Words only hurt if you let them be important.
If someone tries to start a fight with you, it's okay to leave the room. If they make fun of your life, you have the power to tell them to stop or to just walk away. Getting upset or angry doesn't help. It only makes you feel bad. Remember, arguing with family who are mean or hurtful isn't worth your time or energy. Stay strong and care more about your own peace and happiness than their problems and fears. Remember, you always have a choice in how you react. Choose to handle it in a better way.
Prepare neutral responses for when you are faced with these situations. This might be a simple acknowledgment like "I see" or "That's an interesting point of view", or you can deflect it with “I don’t agree” without delving into a deeper conversation.
“You should really settle down and start a family.”
Tip: Assert your boundaries calmly and respectfully.
"Let’s agree to respect each other’s choices. How about we talk about something else?”3. Set clear time limits
Setting time limits is a really helpful way to deal with difficult family members during the holidays. Think of it like a timer. Spending time with your family is like lighting a fuse. You have to make sure it doesn’t burn too long.
When you’re with family members who can be tough to be around, don’t stay too long. For example, don’t sleep over on Christmas if that’s when arguments usually happen. Stay at a hotel instead, and decide how long you'll visit. Set a timer if you need to.
Remember, you only have a short time with difficult family members before things might get hard. Be honest with yourself. Maybe just go for dinner and skip dessert. If you have to be there for a few days, find a place where you can have some space to yourself. Keeping visits short helps you stay calm and act how you want to.
"I'm looking forward to dinner with everyone, but I have plans later, so I'll need to leave by 7 PM.”You stick to this plan, enjoying the time you have there. If anyone asks why you're leaving early, you can simply say, "I've got another commitment, but I'm glad I got to spend some time here."
4. Stop hoping they will change
It's important to stop hoping your family will change. They won't become like the perfect families on postcards. You need to accept this.
Your family is the way it is. Trying really hard or asking them to be different won't change them. It's time to understand them as they truly are. Once you do this, you can make plans to take care of yourself during the holidays.
Look at any arguing or mean teasing for what it is. Shouting, mean words, or hurtful jokes are not okay in a family, and you don't have to put up with them.
The next time your cousin makes a joke about your job, instead of trying to defend your career choice, you calmly say,
"I know you find it funny, but I really enjoy what I do. Let's talk about something else, how is your new project going?”By doing this, you acknowledge their comment without getting upset and quickly steer the conversation to a different topic.
5. It’s not a requirement
We often hear that family is the most important thing and that we should always be there for them. People say "Family first" a lot. But this isn't always true. You don't need to be around people, even family, who make you feel bad.
Remember, you don't have to go home for the holidays. There's no rule that says you must spend time with people who are not nice to you, no matter what time of year it is. What's most important is that you are happy and safe. If you don't need to depend on your family for anything, you don't have to go back to them if you don't want to.
In the end, remember that it's okay to take care of yourself, especially during holiday times like Christmas. Not all families are like the happy ones we see in movies, and that's alright.
You have the power to choose how you spend your time and who you spend it with. If being with certain family members makes you unhappy or uncomfortable, it's okay to make a different choice. Spend time with friends or people who make you feel good instead.
Your happiness is really important. So, this Christmas, think about what makes you happy and do that. Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to do what's best for you.